Ashley and I were in Florida visiting my family for a week, and I had enlisted my sister and her husband to help me determine if Ashley was lying about going to MIT and being a Physicist. After combing the beach for shark teeth and watching my sister throw a beached shark back into the ocean, the four of us grabbed a late lunch at Taco Luâs, which has the best queso in northern Florida.Â
Over bites of tortilla chips and a round of margaritas, Drew brought up MIT, and I remembered how genuinely curious he had been about physics when Ashley and I had visited Alaska the previous summer. âSo Ashley, why did you choose MIT over another school, like Cal-Poly?â
âCal-Poly doesnât really compare when it comes to research programs and advanced degrees,â Ashley scoffed, âand their Physics department is basically a joke. And I thought it was important to leave California, especially having grown up in Pasadena. I needed something new and away from my family.â
âYeah I get it, thereâs nothing like the East Coast,â Drew said. âI actually spent a lot of time in Boston during my off-season. What part of town were you in?â
âI pretty much never left Cambridge. My entire twenties were spent in a manic Physics blackhole, solving equations and scribbling notes on the walls of my dorm, just like Kerry in Homeland, and thatâs what I credit all of my success to today. In fact, when I graduated I decided that it was finally time to do something nice for myself, and thatâs when I bought my Tesla.â
Once upon a time, I ate this up. Ashley acted like an overworked genius who constantly put herself aside to figure out scientific solutions that would advance humanity. And I believed every wordâ-until she moved in with me and saw how she spent her time.
She never scribbled equations on anything.Â
She never read.Â
She never studied.
She didnât have any lab work.Â
There wasnât ever any research, phone calls, or meet-ups with friends or fellow science people.
The Jet Propulsion Lab at NASA wasnât banging down my door begging to hire her.
She talked a big game but had zero follow-through.
We left Taco Lu and drove back to my parents' house. It was four thirty in Minnesota and I reminded Ashley to Facetime her kids. She went into our bedroom and closed the door.Â
I walked by Ilaura and whispered, âMeet me at the Loquat tree.âÂ
She nodded at Drew, who was in the living room, signaling him to follow her out the back door while I went out the front.
âAlright, what do we think?â I asked once we were at the Loquat tree.
âWell, I thought it was pretty weird when I mentioned reading the physics book she recommended to me last summer and she said she didnât know what I was talking about. We literally talked about that book for two days straight,â Drew said.
âAnd her comment about not leaving campus the entire time she was at school? That was weird because Boston is basically all students,â Ilaura added. âAnd sheâs always wearing MIT shirts. She did that in Alaska too. I donât even think real MIT students would ever do that.â
âItâs excessive. And she told me she was a broke college student and couldnât afford to eat anything that cost more than ramen, but then graduated and bought herself a new Tesla? Which she says she put thirty-five grand down on, by the way.â
âI say sheâs lying,â Ilaura said.
âYeah, big time,â said Drew.
âAlright, so whatâs the plan?â Ilaura asked.
âI think we just let it all play out. I donât want her to feel like sheâs being interrogated, so letâs pretend like we believe her, whatever she says, and letâs just observe for now and compare notes later. And donât say anything to Mom and Dad, obviously. â
âObviously,â they agreed.
âHellloooo?â Ashley called out as she rounded the corner towards us.
ââ âYum,â I said as I pulled a Loquat off the tree and tossed it into my mouth. I chewed it for two seconds before spitting it out in disgust.
âLauren those arenât in season,â Ilaura said, âidiot.â
âWhatâre you guys doing out here? Talking shit about me?â Ashley asked.
âYeah, always.â I said, âNo, they were just showing me a tree they thought Iâd like.âÂ
A tree they thought Iâd like. God, what happened to me? I used to be cool.
âMom and Dad are going to be here in an hour,â Ilaura said. âShould we go fishing until dinner?â
Late afternoon isnât the best time to go fishing, but we had an hour to kill.
âHell yeah,â I said.
Ashley and Ilaura headed down to my parent's dock while I held back to change into sweats and crack open a bottle of Cabernet. I love the dock, itâs my favorite place to be when I visit. It extends out into the Saint Johnâs River, overlooking the Napoleon Bonaparte Bridge. Itâs quiet and peaceful and gets a lot of visitors, like dolphins, manatees and Egrets. Iâve spent many hours of my life sitting in a foldable chair at the end of the dock, narrating the wildlife in the voice of David Attenborough, âThe bottle-nosed dolphin is far from home, but he knows the murky waters of the St. Johns River are filled with food, which means, itâs full of life.â
At the dock, Ilaura pulled up her crab trap, revealing two decent-sized blue crabs that she brutally murdered so we could use their meat as bait.Â
None of us were catching anything, just a few nibbles here and there. And we were about to call it a day when Ashleyâs reel started buzzing.
âYou caught something!â I screamed in excitement.
âReel it in!â said Ilaura.
We watched as Ashley reeled in the only catch of the day. We could tell it was small by the fight it was putting up, but catching even a small fish was enough to make our day. Ashley cranked the line and as the fish got closer to the surface I wondered what it was. One of my favorite things about fishing is not knowing whatâs on the other end of the line until it surfaces. Itâs Mother Natureâs chocolate box.
Ashleyâs fish broke the surface.
âItâs a catfish!â I said.
âAshley caught a catfish!â said Ilaura.
Out of all the fish in the riverâout of all the millions of fish she could have caughtâAshley caught a catfish.
My spine shivered as I remembered her comment about finding a woman who was catfishing her friend in Santa Barbara. And then I remembered thinking Ashley might be catfishing me after our first Facetime because her stories were all over the place. And then I remembered all the things sheâs told me- she worked at Fermilab in Chicago, had a place in downtown LA, an apartment in San Francisco, a Salt Lake City area code, a Tesla in Colorado, a dog on a cross country road-trip, two dead grandparents with heaps of cash buried in their walls and farmland, a secret wife and children, an inherited estate.Â
HOLY FUCKBALLS.
Was Ashley catfishing me? Did this small fish represent a big and elaborate lie? This was so meta- I got catfished by a catfish who caught a catfish. Noice one, Universe, you silly bitch.
Ilaura unhooked the catfish and set it free so it could live to see another day. No different than how I was treating Ashley: reeling her in nice and slow, listening to her stories with the hopes of either proving her innocence, or catching an obvious lie. Letting her think sheâs off the hook.
The catfish was Ashley and Ashley was the catfish.
We packed up our fishing gear and headed to the house. I took a shower because I smelled like crab guts, and when I got out, Ashley was hunched over the bed with her hands covering her face. I couldnât tell if she was crying or just being weird.
âAre you okay?â I asked.
âNo. Cecelia told me to kill myself again. She says Iâm not worthy of living in the world. Sheâs on my life insurance, and I think she wants to collect on it.â
âWhat? When did this happen?â I asked.
âJust now. I called to say goodnight to the kids and she wouldnât let me talk to them. Sheâs mad that Iâm in Jacksonville with you, and she said she hates your family, too.â
âHow does she even know my family?â
âShe must follow them on Twitter or Instagram or something. I think sheâs going to try to kill me.â
I didnât know how to process this information, and Ashley seemed genuinely sad.
âIâm sorry, thatâs really awful.â
I walked over to Ashley and gave her a hug. She buried her head in my neck and squeezed me.Â
âI know youâd never let anything bad happen to me. I know you have my back,â she said. âIâm going to take Cecelia off my life insurance and put you on as the main beneficiary.â
âAshley, I donât think anything is going to happen to you.â
âBut if I die, and if she kills me, I want the money to go to you, because I know youâd take care of the kids with it. I donât want her getting even one penny of my money.â
We were still hugging when my Mom rounded the corner and saw us.
âErrr, umm⌠I can come back,â my Mom said averting her eyes due to gay panic.
âMom, weâre just hugging, itâs okay,â I said.
I was pretty sure my Mom had nearly had a heart attack. In her mind, two women embracing might be how lesbians have sex, and itâs not my job to tell her otherwise.
I stopped hugging Ashley and hugged my Mom hello.
âWe ordered Bonos BBQ for dinner,â Mom said. âIt should be here any minute.â
My Dad was drinking tequila and smoking a cigarette on the porch when we walked to the main house for dinner. I joined him while Ashley went inside. IÂ donât smoke unless itâs with family, and somehow I always had enough willpower to kick the habit whenever I returned to LA. Chain-smoking cigarettes while sipping tequila is how me and my dad bond.
âHowâs LA treating ya?â he asked.
âGreat! Iâm still doing Ex On The Beach and writing a book proposal about when I was a teenage news reporter in Alaska.â I said, âAnd weâre going to Europe for the holidays. Weâre visiting nine countries in two weeks.â
âGood for you,â my Dad said. âI'm glad you and Ashley could squeeze us in.â
âHappy to be here.â
My parents had no idea there was an undercover sting operation happening inside their house that might reveal ten months' worth of fraud, deception, and greed. Most kids bring home stray animals. Iâd brought home a possible psychopath.
I watched my Mom and sister clear the table after dinner; they did an excellent job. My Dad retreated to the living room to watch one of his gold shows, leaving Drew, Ashley, and me at the table.
âYou know what you need to do right now, while weâre here?â Ashley asked me. âYou need to backup your old computer so you can send it to your nephew.â
Ashley pulled out her backpack from underneath the dining table, unzipped it, and handed me my old computer.Â
The fuck? She brought it?
âAre you sending your laptop to Maria?â my Mom asked.
âYeah, I was planning on it,â I said.
âI bought Lauren a new MacBook Pro, and this one has been sitting in a box in the closet, not being used for weeks. Plus itâll make a good Christmas present.â
Ashley pulled the flash drive out of her pocket and put it on the table. Just the sight of it sent my heartbeat into unhealthy levels, my right eye twitched, and my chest felt weighted down with bricks.
âI just need to back it up first so she doesnât lose anything, and then I can wipe it clean and we can mail it in the morning.â
âThatâs so nice, the kids are gonna love it,â my mom said, unaware of the history behind the computer backup.
My instincts were rioting inside me, Danger! Peligroso! A movie audience inside my head was screaming in unison, Donât open that door! Ashley was daring me to trust her with my files, and she made sure to pull my computer out in front of my entire family.
âOkay, fine. Why not?â I said, accepting the invitation. I locked eyes with Ilaura in the kitchen, and we talked to each other telepathically.Â
This is weird, right?Â
Yeah, somethingâs off, I donât trust it.
Me neither, but I want to see where it goes.
I unlocked my laptop and handed it to Ashley. She plugged the drive into my laptop and spent the rest of the night backing up every single file, photo, screenshot, text message, and video I had ever taken while the rest of us played Mexican Dominoes.
âHere you go. Itâs all set for your nephew, Iâm sure heâs going to love it.â Ashley handed back my computer. She reminded me of a magician, distracting everyone with the computer when the real trick was slipping the flash drive back into her pocket.
It was getting late and we decided to call it a night. We got ready for bed and I didnât get a chance to debrief with Ilaura and Drew. Iâd need to wait until the morning to talk about the laptop backup.
âJust a reminder that tomorrow is the big day for me,â Ashley said before dozing off. âI officially become a scholar.â
I had completely forgotten that Ashley had mentioned this before our trip. I had brushed it off as another one of her fake stories about being the smartest person in the universe.
âWhat does that mean again?â I asked.
âIt means Iâm not just a doctor anymore. Starting tomorrow, Iâm officially a scholar.â
âCongrats!â I said, no longer believing her stories were true, âWe should do something for it.â
I turned the light off and went to sleep. I couldnât wait to consult Ilaura and Drew regarding Ashleyâs latest achievement.
The next morning I woke up early so I could sneak into the sunroom and write in my journal before everyone else woke up. My quiet mornings were sacred, I had a ritual that involved making coffee, running my hands under cold water for a minute, lighting some candles, writing three pages in my journal, meditating, and playing Wordle.
âI noticed youâre sitting in your suicide chair,â Ilaura said, sneaking up behind me, âIs there something you want to talk about?â
The chair Ilaura was referring to was a vintage wooden rocking chair in the corner of the sunroom. My family started referring to it as my suicide chair in 2014 when I went home for a few weeks to recover from a devastating breakup. Iâd sit in my chair and rock back and forth for hours, begging the Universe to kill me and put me out of my misery. I was so depressed that my family had to take turns doing welfare checks on me. Theyâd ask how I was doing, and my only answer would be, âBad and I want to die.â
âIâm just thinking about my relationship with Ashley.â I said, âI think I need to break up with her.â
âYeah, thatâs probably a smart idea. Too many things donât add up, and she kind of freaked me out last night when she had your laptop open.â
âI know. I was wondering if you picked up on that.â I said, âI donât think sheâd do anything with my files, though. That would be too crazy, even for her.â
âYou know her better than I do,â Ilaura said.
âI donât think I know her at all.â
âWhatâs your plan then?â Ilaura asked.
âI think weâll go to Europe, do the holidays over there. But then her birthday is in January so I canât do it before that. Plus weâre sharing her car till mine is delivered. God, what a mess.â
âBreakfast is ready,â my Mom interrupted while walking into the sunroom. âDo you want to eat it in your suicide chair?â
âNo,â I answered, âIâll come in there.â
My entire family sat at the table eating an assortment of breakfast itemsâ-scrambled eggs, bacon, sausages, and pancakes. Ashley joined us, she was beaming as she put together a plate.
âYouâre looking chipper,â I said.
âWell, itâs the end of an era at MIT,â she started, looking down the table, âToday I officially become a scholar, which means I cannot go any further up in my schooling,â
âWhoa, holy shit!â said Drew, âCongrats!â
âYeah, thatâs huge!â said Ilaura.
âThatâs pretty damn cool,â my Dad said, âHere, why donât you guys go pick up some fresh seafood so we can celebrate tonight. Weâll do a low-country boil.â My Dad threw down a stack of one hundred dollar bills on the table.
Ashley smirked as though she was the birthday girl. I looked at Drew, his eyes twinkled and he smiled bigger than he did on his wedding day. This low country boil was going to be incredible.
Kept screaming to myself TAKE THE DRIVE OUT OF HER POCKET WHILE SHES SLEEPING
Genuinely scared for your files. Also, I know this was a few posts ago but I was bored one day and discovered that More Than Ramen still has a LinkedIn profile. "We solve problems through creativity and science." Number of employees: 11-50. đ