Trashley: Part Eighteen

Ridiculousness

At Big Sur, we started each day with a croissant and coffee from Big Sur Bakery, and took day trips to Carmel and Monterey. I must’ve fucked John Steinbeck in a previous life because I saw the beauty and draw to this part of California. We drove through Seventeen-Mile Drive in Pebble Beach, and I wondered what it would be like to wake up in a quiet neighborhood with the ocean in my yard and green grass under my feet. I’m white, but not that kind of white.

Location, location, location.

Ashley had asked if I wanted her to buy me a house, and of course, I had said yes. I’d dated several wealthy people before Ashley, and not one of them had ever offered to buy me a house. The most I ever got was a couple of fancy vacations around the world.

I was used to being financially independent. I had been paying my rent, bills, car, phone, and eyelash extension lady my entire adult life. And now Ashley was offering to go halfsies on a house in LA, something that is nearly impossible in this city, even for people who made good money. A house down the street from me burnt down in a fire, and it sold for two point four million dollars. For a burnt. Down. House. Splitting expenses was something I’d never done in a relationship, and it sounded enticing.

Getting dizzy from looking at houses in my neighborhood.

When I met Ashley, she told me she was apathetic about money, and that’s why her Grandparents left her in charge of their estate. But now I was ninety-six percent certain she lied about her grandparents dying, which meant her comment about money might be a lie, too. She threw money around like it had no value and meant nothing.

My mindset around money has changed throughout my life. Growing up, I didn’t understand how it worked. I didn’t know if two hundred dollars was a lot or a little. I maxed out my first credit card when I moved from Alaska to New York and spent years and years and years paying it off.

Then, in my thirties, I learned the secret to becoming rich after reading the books Ask and It is Given, and You Are a Badass. I used the law of attraction to bring money into my life, and it was working because it had manifested in the form of a thirty-thousand-dollar check from Ashley’s work. Thirty-thousand-dollars was the exact amount my lawyers billed me during the summer of twenty-twenty. Back then I asked the Universe for a surprise thirty grand, and she hilariously sent me Ashley, who I got the money from. The Universe will always have the last laugh.

Manifesting $30g.

Ashley and I drove back to Bakersfield on my birthday. I felt recharged from spending three nights sleeping in the forest. On the drive back I took advantage of Ashley’s good mood to try and get some answers.

“Whatever happened with your dog?”

This had been bugging me for months. I couldn’t imagine being away from Perci for so long, I felt guilty leaving him at home when I ran to Trader Joe’s.

“What do you mean?”

“You said your friend was driving her to San Francisco.”

“My friend had to go back to work and turned around. And now my ex has her and changed her name.”

“What? This is what I’ve been trying to get out of you. Information. You know you can talk to me about your ex, and your dog, and your kids. You never talk about any of them.”

“Why do you wanna know about them so badly? I already told you I don’t want to talk about them.”

“Because I want to know what’s going on in your life. Clearly you have a lot more happening than you tell me, and sometimes it feels like you’re living a double life.”

“God, you sound exactly like Cecelia. She says the same exact thing. I don’t have a double life! I’m here. Right? You see that I’m present, don’t you?”

The mood in the car shifted, and I knew it was time to tread lightly.

“Why was your Tesla in Colorado?” I asked.

“I was on a road trip with my girlfriend, and she had such bad body image issues that I took her to the Denver airport and put her on the next flight out. And then I left my car there when I went to Chicago.”

God, she was such an asshole. That’s as far as my interrogation went since I wanted to enjoy the scenery before veering east toward Bakersfield.

When we got to Ashley’s parents’ house, her Mom was still scooting around from being injured in Vegas. She had made cheese fondue for my birthday dinner and Ashley had ordered a strawberry birthday cake from GoldBelly.

Yay, I did it!

“So when are you guys going to buy a home near us so we can all live close to each other,” Stacey asked, as if she had known Ashley mentioned buying a house together the day before.

“There’s a big one down the street from here that belonged to our real estate agent. I went to the open house, and it has four bedrooms and a pool. You guys would love it.”

I would rather live underneath the Gower off-ramp on the 101 freeway than in a four-bedroom home in Bakersfield. Where I lived was as important to me as breathing. I spent the first half of my twenties bouncing around from neighborhood to neighborhood in New York City. I started in Chelsea, then Hell’s Kitchen, back to Chelsea and then Brooklyn. I didn’t belong in any of those places. But when I moved to the West Village, my life started clicking into place like a properly fitted bicycle chain.

Catch me on Bleeker street.

I don’t need space, I just need to be walkable to restaurants and shops. Ashley’s mom was crazy to think I would ever buy a home in Bakersfield.

I was taken aback, shocked, and offended. I’m not that type of girl.

I woke up early the next morning and Brad was in the living room watching MTV’s Ridiculousness, his favorite show. I made a little nest out of blankets and sat down to write in my journal. Everyone else was still asleep except us.

“Do you want to see my invention?” Brad asked.

“Heck yes I do,” I said.

I followed Brad into the hallway and he held up two picture frames.

“You know how normal frames are crooked?” he said, “Well, I invented a frame that has weights built into it. So you’ll never have crooked picture frames ever again.”

“That’s so smart,” I said, as if a small child had just scrawled a capital B.

“I already have the patent for it, I just need about three hundred thousand dollars to build the prototype. I already found a factory in China that can do it, I just need the initial investment.”

“You should go on Shark Tank,” I said, knowing he’d be laughed off the show.

“There has to be another way,” he said.

I appreciated his entrepreneurial spirit. But you’d have to be the worst business person alive to invest that much money into weighted picture frames.

The rest of the house started waking up. Ashley drove to Starbucks while her little sisters shuffled around making toast and and leaving dirty plates in their wake. Ashley got back with coffees for everyone. And one by one they disappeared into Stacey and Brad’s bedroom until the house was empty.

MIT in the house.

I wanted to know what was happening, so I tip-toed down the long hallway, trying to be as stealthy as possible.

Their murmuring voices grew louder the closer I got. I pressed my ear to the door and listened. I heard Stacey’s voice loud and clear.

“We love you and miss you! We can’t wait for you to visit us again. We can all go to Universal Studios. Do you want to go to Universal Studios?”

“Yesh,” a small voice answered.

“And we’ll take you to Disney because you’re a little princess.”

They were talking to a child.

“I love you monkey. I’ll see you when I’m back from my work trip,” Ashley said.

Oh, Ashley’s child.

Work trip?

I heard them wrapping up the call and scurried back to the living room with the grace of a startled wildebeest.

Everyone came out of the bedroom and went about their day as if nothing had happened.

We changed into bathing suits and spent the afternoon boiling in the pool. I made clams, crabs, and lobster on the grill and drank tequila. Stacey came out and plopped down in a floatie.

Hello, my name is Perci and I’ll be your server tonight. Would you like to hear the specials?

“Ashley told me about your lawsuit. I’m so sorry that happened,” Stacey said, referring to the MeToo lawsuit I was in.

“Yeah, thanks. I’m just glad it’s over and that I won.”

The lawsuit had nearly destroyed me. It was the worst time in my life. I had sued my old boss, a billionaire who assaulted me at work.

When I started talking to Ashley, she told me she had never googled me, and I was glad because I didn’t want her to see that I was in a lawsuit and awarded millions of dollars. I didn’t want people coming after me for my money. I wanted them to come after me for my charm, wit, and incredible Barack Obama impersonation.

Me? Google? I would never.

“Good for you, sweetie,” Stacey continued, “Ashley said you got millions.”

“Well, not yet. I had to hire asset recovery lawyers. So they’re out seizing his assets as we speak.”

The lawsuit taught me that there’s only one way to punish a billionaire, and that’s to make him a millionaire. Alki David owed more than one hundred million dollars between myself and three other women. If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to feel true happiness, try seizing four houses, a Swiss chalet, a Greek compound, and a private jet from an evil rich man.

It’s incredibly satisfying.

I’m not one to sit around and let horrible people do horrible things to me and get away with it.

The day after I was assaulted, Gloria Allred was my lawyer. You never really picture yourself sitting in a press conference next to Gloria Allred until you’re there.

Grateful that Ashley never googled me.

We spent the night in Bakersfield, and while in bed, I whispered, “I can’t believe your Mom thinks we would move here. She is smoking crack if she thinks we’d ever do that,”

“She just wants to live close to us so she can see her Grandchildren,” Ashley said,

“What? Like, the children you never talk about?” I knew this was dangerous territory — dog, ex-wife, children. I could’ve exploded with the number of questions I had.

“In the interest of transparency, I’m fighting for full custody. They’re going to live here and my Mom wants them to be close.”

“You never talk about this, so I’m out of the loop. Like, what does that mean for us?”

“I think you’d be a great step-mom,” Ashley said.

I was clear with Ashley from the beginning, that I did not want children. It’s hard enough having a dog. I valued my life and my freedom. I didn’t want to hear screams, change diapers, or deal with tantrums. Ashley’s tantrums were already too much for me. I was perfectly content being the cool gay aunt. Like when I bought my nieces and nephew a trampoline for no reason, then bounced as soon as they got annoying.

Being a Mom would ruin my lifestyle, and I’ve been very open about that to everyone who will listen.

“I’m sure I could talk you into having kids. I’ll pay for everything.”