Lesbian Ice Breakers
The art of the opening line.
Breaking news; A new lesbian followed me on Instagram after we matched on Raya, the celebrity dating app I’m embarrassingly on. Her timing couldn’t have been better because I am extremely single. Plus, it’s July, which means it’s almost October, and I have to get serious about finding somebody to date because that’s the month I want to watch horror movies every night leading up to Halloween. But I don’t want to be scared alone, I want a beautiful woman to be scared with me.
I was getting my hair done when the new lesbian followed me. I lifted up a stack of aluminum foils that were covering my eyes and passed my phone to my stylist. We, as in everyone in the salon, were really excited about this new woman. I signed up for Hinge and Raya after a recent breakup, just to see what was out there. I wasn’t really in the mood to start dating again, I just wanted to window shop. Plus, it’s too hot outside to date someone seriously right now. But I’ll make an exception for this mystery woman.
I didn’t want to come off too thirsty, so I waited three “playing it cool” hours before following her back. Her profile was private, which meant she would need to wait the allotted eight “Not accepting new followers” hours before approving my request. When I woke up the next morning, I opened Instagram, and I was in. I scrolled through some of her recent photos, looking for clues to figure out who she was and where she came from. She definitely had new girlfriend potential. The only real problem is that she lives in New York. And I live in LA. So clearly, one of us is gonna have to move if we’re gonna make this work.
I thought she’d be the one to initiate the conversation since she followed me first, but that hasn’t happened; there’s been no hi, I saw you on Raya, lol. It’s been three weeks and neither of us has made an introduction yet. It feels like if one of us doesn’t make a move soon, it’ll never happen. Like when a child goes missing, the first eight hours are crucial. Time is running out. She’s liked a few of my posts and watched some of my stories, but words haven’t been exchanged yet. I now realize that I have to be the one to initiate the conversation because she is exactly my type, and I don’t want to look back in sixty years and regret not sliding into her DMs when I had the chance. Okay, Lauren. It is up to me — time to brainstorm the perfect gay opening line.
Hi, welcome to my Instagram. I hope you like what you see. How far back did you scroll? Because I went back to 2015 on yours. I’ve done my research, and it appears we have a lot in common, like, being outside, having friends, going on vacations, being gay, eating food, etc.
Hello. It says in your bio that you’re Italian. I love Italians. Your pasta is incredible.
Hey, you’ve probably noticed that I live in LA, and it looks like you live in New York. Want to meet somewhere in the middle? Does Kansas City work? The one in Missouri, not Kansas that would be crazy.
Hey! I think I manifested you. Were you alive before you followed me? Or did you just appear out of nowhere? Are you real?
Hey! You should fly out to LA, I think you’ll love it here! I’ll even pick you up from the airport because that’s what lesbians do on a first date.
Hey! I know I’m getting way ahead of myself, but could you tell me everything about you real quick, starting from the day you were born?
Hello, new person! How many plants do you have? You look like you have five. I have over thirty, but there’s always room for a few more.
Hi, I scrolled through your feed to find out your birthday. I had to make sure you weren’t a Gemini. Thank fucking god you’re not. I’m a Virgo, so we’re good. I’ll add you on Co-Star.
Hello, I was thinking about logistics. You should keep your apartment in New York, and we can just be bicoastal. God, I love that word. Both coasts. This is huge. I’ve always wanted to have a place in each of the only two cities that matter. I’d love to discuss this in person when we meet for the first time.
Hi, this is a little bizarre, but you look exactly like my dream girl. I’m not even trying to be corny, it’s just that when I close my eyes, the woman who exists in my imagination is your doppelganger. You guys could totally play each other in a movie.
Hey, nice to meet you virtually. Quick question, do you like mountain towns? Because I’m thinking about buying property in Idyllwild. Or do you prefer the desert, like Palm Springs? It’ll be where we escape to on holidays, so your input is crucial. We should meet first, though.
If you fly out to LA, we could drive up the coast so I can show you Carmel-By-The-Sea, where we’ll retire one day. I could also retire in Big Sur or Monterey.
I’m going to Florence in August and staying in a friend’s castle. Want to come? Just as friends, obviously no pressure. You could be my personal translator, and if we end up falling in love, we should write a romcom based on our relationship and sell it to the Lifetime Movie Network.
Well, hello, stranger. You haven’t looked at my story yet, and it’s been up for six hours. Is everything okay? Are you mad at me?
I know that we *just* started following each other, but I already told my sister about you. Anyways, just wanted to say hi.
Hey- I saw you on Raya and I stopped scrolling because I didn’t want your profile to disappear. When I saw you, I thought, wow, she’s exactly my type. Brown hair. Brown eyes. Tall?
Ahoy there, matey… oh god no, I can’t open with that.
Hi! Do you prefer I go to NYC, or you come to LA? Maybe we DM a bit first, and then exchange numbers? We can move on to texting a lot and then escalate to FaceTime, which will be awkward and horrible, but at least we’ll have a good story to tell our grandchildren one day. Speaking of children, where do you stand on that? I’m good either way. I love my life without kids, but if you want them, your body, your choice. We should try to have girls. How cute would that be? No biggie if not. But if we want kids, we have to get a nanny because I am absolutely not dealing with all that. I’m also happy just getting more dogs. I think we should meet at some point. Or even just say hi on Instagram.
Hi! Do you Wordle? Do you Quordle? What word do you start with? Or do you switch it up and type the first five-letter word that comes to mind? What’s your strategy? Want to share scores every day? I already have three other Wordle group texts, and I’ve muted them all. But I genuinely want to see your score every day. I want to be part of your life. I want to know how you Wordle.
Hey! What streaming services do you come with? Because I bring to the table Netflix, Hulu (sorry, not plus), Max, Showtime, Amazon, and Apple TV. I can also add you to my Peloton account. I bought one during the Pandemic if you ever want to ride a bike in place for thirty minutes. I also have a NYTimes subscription, and I’m still using an ex’s MasterClass. And you? What all do you have? Spotify?
Or, instead of messaging her, I could die alone. I think that’s my new plan, I’ll just die alone, it’ll be easier.
Written by Lauren Reeves
Comedy Writer, Humorist, TV Producer, Cool Gay Aunt 🌈