Thursday, February 18, 2021
Los Angeles, CA
I took myself on my first Artist Date yesterday. Huntington Gardens was nice, but itās one of those places that would be more fun with somebody else. I donāt want to walk through the rose garden and make fun of all the rose names to myself. I want someone to make fun of them with me.
I think I may be going deaf in my left ear. Maybe Iāve gotten used to deafness because I donāt notice it until Iām talking to someone. I need to write and post on Medium. I canāt wait to work again. I love the Pandemic, but itās not as fun as I thought. I canāt go around buying $28 candles that smell like tomatoes without an income to support it!
Friday, February 19, 2021
Los Angeles, CA
I went to bed late last night, I stayed up late watching lesbian TikToks. I think I now follow every lesbian in the world. I love TikTok. I canāt believe itās almost the end of the month. I wish it was a leap year, I feel short-changed when February only has 28 days.
Itās almost Spring. I hear a bird really close to me, I think heās on the powerline. I love Spring.
Thereās some other Lauren Reeves who writes gospel. I hope people know sheās not me. Sheās the one who bought laurenreeves.com. I guess sheās savvier than I am, but still, go preach your prayer stuff under a different name please, this oneās taken. I should snag her domain from her somehow when sheās not looking. I donāt know how that works. I also need to remember I bought and paid for Kamala is the Bombala dot com. I need to figure out what Iām going to do with it.
Saturday, February 20, 2021
Los Angeles, CA
I have three neighbors I hate, and the common denominator is they're all men, and they live too close to me. Women are better than men in every way.
Iāll finish reading The Artistās Way, hopefully by the end of this weekend. I love writing my morning pages. My mind feels like itās been cracked open, and my pen just goes with the flow. It's like the Hoover Dam was broken in my head, and all the thoughts are gushing out, but now I have a place to put them, right here on the paper.
Sunday February 21,2021
Los Angeles, CA
My neighbor Sharon commented, āYouāre shrinking!ā And itās true; I almost feel two-dimensional. Since I started writing my morning pages, Iāve lost so much weight without changing anything. Did I just solve obesity? Turns out losing weight has nothing to do with food or exercise, all you have to do is write. God Iām a genius. I should go on the Today Show and tell everybody.
I was talking to a girl on Hinge last night; she seemed funny. Maybe weāll go on a date this week? I leave for Joshua Tree on Thursday. I feel myself moving; like a shift in my energy thatās causing momentum. The words come down from thin air through my brain, but before I can process or think, they get put down on paper through my hand. I donāt even know what Iām writing half the time. No, all the time.
Iām doing what I need to do to prepare for whatās coming next. What is coming next, I wonder. I know itās happening. I can sense it, but what is it? I know it involves a lot of money. Hundreds of thousands of dollars? Millions? Enough to buy a house in Silver Lake. Is it from a book deal? Did someone die?
I wonder if I should bring my rollerskates to Joshua Tree. I think I should. I could probably get a great picture of myself skating through the park, especially if I tie a rope to the back of my car and have Kirsten drive it while I get pulled behind on my rollerskates. Okay, yes, Iāll do it. I need to bring books with me to Joshua Tree. Reading more will make me a better writer.
Monday February 22, 2021
Los Angeles, CA
I woke up in a bad mood for some reason, and now I feel like Iām struggling not to fall into a deep depression. I drank a bottle of wine last night. That probably has something to do with it. I wonāt drink the rest of the week until I get to Joshua Tree. Maybe Iāll buy a bottle of Mezcal to bring with me. Iām supposed to get rid of five pieces of clothes from my closet this week. I really need to get rid of stuff so I can make way for new energy. I should meditate; I keep forgetting, and I was doing so well. I need a reset.
Tuesday February 23, 2021
Los Angeles, CA
I woke up thinking it was Sunday; itās Tuesday. I like writing with pens that just flow. Writing shouldnāt be a struggle or feel like a workout. I want to write with zero resistance. I love pens. It makes me sad when they run out of ink, but when you write this much, they have a short lifespan, and theyāve lived their purpose.
Spring is coming. March is my favorite month in Los Angeles. I should watch the humpback whales migrating in Malibu and ask the Universe for a pair of binoculars to see them better.
This last year does feel like a waste, though; I canāt believe I havenāt worked in a year. How are people surviving? I need to apply to the new Jon Stewart show. Part of me wants it, part of me doesnāt, part of me is just bored and needs a reason to live. But if the Universe brings me back to New York then Iām not going to fight it. Iām listening to my dumb fuck neighbor talk on the phone, I sure wonāt miss that!
One of the girls Iām talking to on Hinge asked me to Facetime. I hate it, but I was enthusiastic, like, āYeah! Letās do it!ā even though itās my least favorite thing.
I gave Randy a book on cocktails. I should be a book lady. What exactly does that mean? Like every time I see a friend, I should bring them a book? That would be cool.
I love talking. I think thatās something missing from my life. I donāt have anyone to truly talk to at the end of the day, even my silliest ideas. If I donāt talk about my ideas, or tell my stories, theyāll die. Iām a conversationalistāa humorist. Iām quick-witted, fun, funny, irreverent. What does that word mean? The only person I talk to before bed is Perci, and he only understands like five words in English.
God, I wish my neighbor would shut the fuck up. My god I hate him, I actually wouldnāt mind if he dropped dead. I remember when I tweeted that I wished heād fall off his balcony, and then he disappeared for a month and came back in a wheelchair. Now that shit was hilarious. Heās always walking in the bike lane and never walks on the sidewalk. Iāve fantasized about hitting him with my car. Like, oops. Thatās how much I hate him. A horrible, wretched man. I need to get my eyelashes done. I canāt believe itās been a year since the world shut downāpermanent eyelashes, one of lifeās simple pleasures. You donāt appreciate them until you get hit with a global pandemic.
I spend so much money a month, and Iām not really sure on what. My car lease is up this year. I wonder what my next car will be? Another Audi? My credit score is excellent. Iām excited to write; now if only I could wake up in a good mood, knowing which day it is.
Wednesday, February 24, 2021
Los Angeles, CA
Iām not sure whatās wrong with me this week. My mind is racing with thousands of thoughts per second. Most of my thoughts are negative, and Iām also obsessed with New York now. I applied to be a Producer on Jon Stewartās new show, along with everyone else. If I get it, Iāll have to live in Manhattan. I can only live on Bank, Charles, Perry, or West 11th between West 4th and Bleeker. I miss my life in the West Village. Living in a brownstone with tree-lined streets as soon as you step outside is the dream. Going to Equinox in the morning, followed by coffee at Grounded. Sitting outside drinking coffee as Peter Dinklage walks his dog and people in the neighborhood pass by. Iāll be able to wear coats again.
I still feel like Iām in the beginning stages of something and Iām gaining momentum. I keep doing my Peloton and am drenched in sweat afterwards. My body is starting to change too. Itās stronger, leaner, the fat on my legs is disappearing. I looked at my legs this morning and could tell a difference. My thighs are sleeker, the muscle is pulled up if that makes any sense. Iām a shape-shifter.
Last night I kept having nightmares about being chased through the woods by a giant beaver but he was dressed like Smoky the Bear and I was trying to run away from him but I was wearing steel boots.
Perci kept going from the bed to the living room. I donāt think he could get comfortable. I need to pack for Joshua Tree and remember to bring my roller skates.
What if I came up with the idea for a satirical newspaper called āMAGA-zineā and writers can contribute articles as if theyāre written for Trumpers, but theyāre too stupid to know it would be a magazine making fun of them. It would include letters to the editor, fake ads, articles like āTen things I did this week to destroy the libs.ā Thatās a hilarious idea; I wish I had thought of it literally four years ago.
I love the energy of New York in the morning. I was so stylish there. I need to be stylish again. Itās always who Iāve been. I used to put on fashion shows at the gold dredge, Iād wear twelve different outfits a day. The Pandemic forced me to wear sweatpants. I wonder if lipstick sales have gone down now that everyone has to wear a mask. I love fashion and clothes and jewelry. Iāve lost that part of myself in LA, but sheās coming back.
I need to finish The Artists Way. Thereās a full moon this Friday, so Iāll charge my crystals and water underneath it. I need to meditate, my brain's still racing.
Thursday February 25, 2021
Los Angeles, CA
My body is insane. I have lost five pounds since yesterday. For lunch, I had half an avocado, toast, and a bird in the nest, and then leftover Kale salad and the other half of the avocado for dinner.
So, good news. I had that Zoom date last night with the Physicist, and I thought it started really badly, but then somewhere along the way, it started to get much better. We had a lot in common as far as what we watch and listen to. We talked about the Criminal podcast. I did my best Phoebe Judge impression. We talked about the Cecil Hotel documentary. I told her how great the show Love Fraud is. She said she was going to watch it that night since she has insomnia.
She doesnāt have social media. No instagram or twitter. She bought an Oregon Trail pin on Etsy the other week, and I showed her my book. We ended up talking for two hours. When we hung up I facetimed Cynthia and told her all about it. We laughed, and I finished my wine. I got a text from Ashley saying she liked talking to me. I said same here, youāre pretty cool for a science person. So today Iāll text her again, I guess asking about what she thought of Love Fraud.
Iām actually excited about her. Sheās in Chicago right now, andĀ sheāll be there for a few more weeks at least. Thatās fun. It sounds like weāll text for now.
Iām going to Joshua Tree today, and I need to ride my Peloton before I get out there. I also need to pack. I wasnāt planning on being on Facetime until eleven at night, but thatās what happens. Ash (Ashley?) went through an Animal Crossing addiction during the Pandemic, the same as I did. I have spent an embarrassing amount of time playing that game. I also love the Sims.
Now that my writing is flowing more easily, I just need to try to write all the time.Ā Itās so nice doing the morning pages. It cleans up my mind. It gets all the crap out of my head that makes me unable to concentrate, I wish Iād been doing this since quarantine started. Thereās a lot I would do differently, but I canāt get into a time machine and redo it. At least, not yet.
I feel like Iām on the cusp of something big. I can sense it in the air.
I wonder if I can read and watch TV at the same time.
Iām feeling the momentum of the Universe; momentum for the first time after years of feeling stagnant from the lawsuit.
I wonder if Ashley Googled me. I wonder if she looked me up before we talked. She said she doesnāt Google people, but I wonder how true that is. It was fun talking to her once the conversations started picking up. Iāll have to tell my therapist about all of this.
Friday February 26, 2021
Joshua Tree, CA
I slept poorly last night. Itās like I was awake but dreaming for several hours. I also went to bed early, maybe around ten pm. In my dream state, I kept visualizing my life in New York, specifically in the West Village. It didnāt look so bad living there. I was dressed in long, fancy coats. My hair and makeup were flawless. I even rode my Peloton in my dream. And Ashley was there with her dog, who was Perciās new best friend. It felt so lifelike. Weād grab a cocktail nearby at a bar in a restaurant on West Fourth Street, like Extra Virgin. We had lots of money. It felt real, like a preview of whatās to come.
Weāve been texting about true crime TV shows for her to watch. Is there something off about her? I canāt tell. But she doesnāt have social media, which is actually kind of cool. I wonder about her living situation. Does she actually live in Los Angeles? Like, does she have an actual apartment here? How long is she in Chicago for? Where was she before Chicago? Why does her phone have a Utah area code? She said her brother lives there. So, did she live there? She said she moved from San Francisco to LA during the pandemic. But where is her place? Is it empty? Is she subletting? Or is her stuff in storage? These are all questions I should ask her, but without it feeling like an interrogation.
I have therapy today. Should I bring her up to Doctor M? Iām not really sure what else weāll talk about today. Nothing terrible or big has happened in the last two weeks.
So far everything seems to be going really well with her. I think it might be serious? I mean, itās not serious yet- but it has that potential. And she seems excited by me. I think sheās too smart for people, and they arenāt funny enough to keep her entertained. Iām trying to figure it out. Everything feels like itās lining up perfectly.
Ashley is a nomad. I could see her living in New York City. Itās the best place to live if you suffer from insomnia. You can stay up all night, go for a walk, go to a bar, watch TV, read, write, chain smoke Marlborough Lights on your stoop. Sheād have to take up smoking, though. Ever since I started doing morning pages Iāve gained momentum in all aspects of my life. My health, my weight, my career, writing, dating. Those are all filling up pretty quickly. And thereās a full moon tonight.
Saturday February 27, 2021
Joshua Tree, CA
I had a lot to unpack in therapy and I realized itās because Iām doing my morning pages. Something has unlocked in my brain and it feels like a free for all of thoughts. Itās because of the book The Artistās Way. The author said certain weeks would be harder than others and itās so true. But Iāve done a lot in the last couple of weeks, including losing twenty-five pounds and opening up to dating again. Iām unpacking all my stuff and nurturing my child artist for the first time. Iām returning to my body, I think I gained weight during my lawsuit as a way to protect myself from the gaze of men. Theyāve bothered me and stared at me my entire life, and I just wanted to be invisible to them. Itās like the weight I gained was my protection, and now Iām losing it, taking the armor off. The war is over. I won.
All I want is to do is write. I want to be like Fran Lebowitz. She isnāt college-educated, and Iām so happy I didnāt waste four years of my life going to school when I learned how to be funny just by being alive. We both knew we didnāt belong where we grew up. Something bigger was meant for us and we always knew it. I was meant to make people laugh, to write with a sense of humor you canāt find anywhere else.
My brain is my superpower. I just need to let my pen do the walking and the talking.
Itās like there is always fear within us, keeping us back from our true potential. We learn to live with it. Accept that itās there, but put it in time out or put a muzzle on it. And then go for it.
I feel like Iām sprinting towards my goals now. Write, tell stories, be funny. Itās all I have to do, and everything else will fall into place.
Sunday February 28, 2021
Joshua Tree, CA
I finished The Artistās Way last night. Perfect timing since itās due today from the library. Iām on a six-week wait list for Big Magic, which my therapist suggested.
Some sort of energy is moving through me, from above my head, through my brain, into my arm, and now the pen is writing it down. This is what they say itās like to be in the flow.
Augusten told me, āYou canāt waste any time, you have a lot of writing to do.ā As in multiple stories to tell and books to write. I read that the full moon is in Virgo and last night it had itās strongest energy.
Monday March 01, 2021
Joshua Tree, CA
Things are happening. A shift. Iām doing my morning pages which is an exercise for my brain. Itās getting stronger. My humor is getting better, itās sharp, itās quick. Iām reading and writing. Iām listening to music and podcasts and news programs. It feels like Iām on super drugs.
When I drink it slows down my brain. It puts a fog over my mind and I have to wait for the fog to clear in order to function again. Itās like the marine layer when you wake up in Santa Monica, it wonāt clear out until after eleven. Plus drinking too much depresses me.
I heard from Ashley this morning. She didnāt text me back yesterday. I have to get to the bottom of this. Does she live in LA? Thatās all I want to know. I think sheās legit but I have so many questions. I do love that sheās smart though. I need someone whoās smart to keep up with me. I think she likes that Iām funny. Itās a good dynamic. And if Iām being catfished itāll make a great story we can tell our grandkids one day.
That implies I want kids. The answer is I do not. They would cramp my style. I donāt like the noise and the mess they make, and Iām not gonna stop watching shows about women getting murdered by their husbands just because a child is in the room.
My needs are more important than ever right now. Iām nurturing myself, and Iāll make room for another person if I start dating. I wonder what my future looks like. Itās exciting. I think Iām on the cusp of something big. The stars and the planets are all aligning.
āIs there something off about her? I canāt tell.ā LOL
Oh, this is great! A behind-the-scenes look into what was going on in your mind and your life when Ashley entered your world. Plus, "And if I'm being catfished it'll make a great story....": Your subconscious already knew something was up š¤£